Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Using Your Beans

I know what you're thinking. "Honestly, how many times can Jared talk about Pluto in Capricorn? We got it. Power backing career and ambition. There's only so much of that we can take." Well, folks, I hate to break it to you, but Pluto will be traveling through Capricorn for the next 15 years. So, the influence is highly general, but it's still quite useful as support for varying topics.

Today's topic: Coffee.

I'm just gonna say it. I hate coffee. I hate the taste, I hate the smell, I hate the flavor, I hate the pretension that accompanies the product. Perhaps this is because I never grew up with coffee-drinkers. No one in my household drank coffee. Interestingly enough, my father and sister now drink coffee, but my mother and I still don't.

I suppose I shouldn't hate coffee. It's probably just a misunderstanding, but coffee has always seemed somewhat aloof. Still, it's better than the relatives: latte; espresso; the twins, cappuccino and frappuccino; and the cold side of the family, the iced coffees. I'm also not a fan of when it marries one of my favorite friends, chocolate, and produces little mochas. However, I do get along well with the family friends: milk, sugar, cream.

Ironically, I've worked in two coffee serving capacities. I worked as a barista for a week. Why would someone who hates coffee work for a barista, you ask? Well, iI didn't plan on that. I applied at a Barnes and Noble, thinking that I would be working with books. In a cruel twist of fate, I was assigned a post at the cafe. The pervasive smell of coffee clogged the air. It was then that I learned the difference between a latte and a cappuccino and what rubbish that is. Folks have said that it's very different in Italy where such things are authentic, but in my experience, the difference being mostly the amount of milk and whether the steamer is placed at the top or the bottom of the milk, I was annoyed to find that such widely diverse names indicated so little.

Add to that the position as a waiter. Coffee became the bane of the morning. Everyone wanted coffee with its varying accoutrement. Gracious, there is no such drink that has quite as many conditions. If you must drink coffee, people, drink it black! That's how it comes. It's supposed to be bitter. If not, there's sugar on the table. And goodness, people are particular about their coffee! This is too hot. This is too cold. This is too sweet. This is this; this is that. I'm not Coffeelocks. Make it at home and get it just the way you want it. Don't drive me all over the diner for two Splendas and a Sweet N Low and heated milk, etc.

Like I said, perhaps coffee and I just haven't had the right conversation, but I don't think we will ever have the relationship that others seem to have and I think that's because it's just too high maintenance. It demands far too much of its partners.

Those are grounds for dismissal.

1 comment:

  1. cleverly and delightfully robust in its description, I say nay to coffee in all its forms, yea to tea with a spot of milk and two sugars if you please